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Then get this right? I'm driving along man I'm driving as I'm driving,
I'm driving safely. I'm obeying the rules..of the road.
Whatever sign comes at me I look at it and I go ..Ok. you got it, sign.
Right so I'm driving safely all of a sudden a guy in another lane,
compeletly oblivious to me. He starts coming into my lane.
JUST COMING IN And if I didn't see him coming in..accident.
But because I saw him..ah I see HEYY Right i see.
I assess the situation. I see I assess the sit-u-a-tion.
And then I uh eased on the brake. As he's coming I ease.
And I said what anybody here says automatically when this happens.
You can't help it. It just comes out, ready? ready?...
...Um, Hi? Hello? Unless you're black. If you're black it's a little different.
If you're black it's uh check out this mothafucka..check out this
If you're chinese it's *screech* *crash* So that's...that's nice.
I go to a car accident. I got in this car accident recently right?
Not my fault! This car accident was not my fault.
Right but you know how it goes...Get in a car accident,
even if it is not your fault. The other person, they get out of their car,
look at you like it's your fault. Even if it is CLEARLY their fault,
they get out. They're like. Alright, why did you stop at a red light
and let me hit you doing 80?! WHY DID YOU STOP AT A RED LIGHT?
Then you get out right? You go you start looking at the damage.
You start looking. Keep looking at each other and back at the damage
Will you please come and look at my damage with me sir?
If we look together maybe some magic will happen.
This is horri- feel this! This even feels damaged!
Do you have tools, can you fix this right now?
This is horribly- this feels so horribly damaged.
Even if I was blind I would know this is horribly damaged,
by the way it feels.
Then you gotta exchange the information right?
That sucks cuz nobody ever has a fucking pen. You stand there.
Do you have a pen- I don't have a pen...Can you remember all my shit?
Do you have a lipstick or something? A crayon?
Right? So when you finally... here's what happens.
You finally get information going and you print your stuff nice and clean.
There you go..there's my. I highlight. Everything's nice.
You give him the... there you go. It's in an envelope. Ugh yeah.
Nice and - But then you get their information and it looks like,
they were having a fucking seizure while writing it.
You're like dude you got like a 28 digit phone number going on here buddy.
And under name you drew a picture of a monkey fucking a coconut.
What is that? Is your name Monkey fucking a coconut sir? MFC? is that you?
MFC? That's a monkey... that could be a melon looks like a coco-nut.
Then you take a second..here's where it starts getting embarrasing right?
You take a second while you're doing the exchange.
You just look around for a second and there's people EVERYWHERE.
They're like building bleachers on the sidewalk and shit.
People coming out of bushes... What? Accident?
I'm gonna watch for awhile! Wow! They're discussing it right there!
Thething made this i just put it here because i like this story
So, my best friend (who's name will be withheld) has this fucking hot sister. I mean super model type, even though she's 14. And she can hold her own on the sports field. She's the perfect girl. But she's my best friends sister, so she's off limits.
When I would hang out with my friend, she would be there, doing whatever we were doing. I wasn't sure, but it seemed like she liked me. She would always try to tackle me in football, and defended me in soccer. She laughed at all my jokes, and had too much fun when we played video games together.
So after months of thinking about it, I decided not to ask her out. My friendship with the guy is worth more to me than a girl. Right about now, I'm sure your thinking "If he didn't ask the bitch out, why the fuck is he writing about this?!?!" Well, I'll tell you why.
So, one day, me, my best friend and his sister were playing run the bases (it's like cricket; there are 2 bases, and 2 catchers. The catchers try to tag the runners with a baseball as they try to get from base to base). My best friend had to go to the bathroom, so it was just me and his hot sister. She wanted to practice tagging out sliding runners, so we practiced. After a couple attempts, she accidentally stepped in front of me as I was sliding feet-first into the base. Unable to stop or move out of the way in time, I knocked her on top of me.
When the dust cleared, and we had our senses back, we both realized how we were; she was laying on top of me, with our faces an inch apart. I could smell and feel the sweet sweat coming off of her. Damn, even her sweat is sexy! Anyway, in that moment, she leaned her head in, and so did I, and we kissed. It was just for a second or 2, but it was wonderful none the less.
So, just after the kiss, and as the girl is rolling off of me and getting up, her brother comes out and says "Fucking Christ! That was a dousey of a twosey". We all laugh, and while we were laughing, we looked at each other, as if to say "he can never know"
So, we secretly go out for months. She, getting her friends to cover for her when she told the family she was going to the mall or whatever with them, and I by acting normal around him and my other friends.
After about 5 or 6 months of us secretly going out, she invites me over one afternoon. Not her brother, but her. When I get over there, I find an empty house besides my girlfriend. She explains that no one is going to be home for another 2 hours. I get the message, and she leads me to the couch.
We make out for a little while, and then she takes her shirt off, as do I. She didn't have a bra on, making it quicker to see her tits. I never saw them before, just felt them when we made out. They were wonderful B-cups; full and firm.
So she opens my pants and pulls out my dick. I slide my pants a little lower as she puts in her mouth. She then starts sliding her mouth up and down on my dick. I let a moan as she slowly builds up speed. With one hand, I begin to fondle her breast, and she herself let out a moan. She kept going until I sputtered out "I'm going to cum!"
So my girlfriend keeps going for a couple more seconds. I guess in that time her brother came in, but we didn't hear him. Well, just as she takes her mouth off my dick and strokes it to make me cum, he walks in. We still didn't notice him until he said "What the fuck is going on!?". Of course, that's when I came, squirting my juices on her face.
Startled, I pulled my pants up, and my secret lover covered her tits. "Bu....but you weren't supposed to be home until 6!" she said
"Coach called off practice, so I walked home," said my best friend, "You're lucky I'm not going to tell Mom and Dad because I respect the fact you have your own personal life" He couldn't mask the anger, no matter how hard he tried.
"As for you," he pointed to me, "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"
With that, he ran after me, jumping the sofa. I grabbed my shirt and ran towards the door and away from my killer. He chased after me, diving to tackle me. He was successful, and knocked me to the ground. As he was getting up, I kicked my foot out, and caught his chest, which sent him back.
I got up and faced my now ex-best friend. He coughed and stood up too. I ran at him, readying my fist and aiming for his head. But as I got close, he ducked, which sent me flying over his back and on to mine. I winced as I landed, but rolled away, so he couldn't get on top of me and pummel me. My now ex-girlfriend just stood and stared at the battle raging in her family room. She even let her arms fall down to their sides, exposing her chest. But I didn't have time to ogle; I had to kick someone's ass.
As I stood and faced him, the guy ran towards me. I had only enough time dive out of the way, and trip him. He tumbled, hitting his head on a table and knocking off the lamp that was on it onto his head. This dazed him. I went over, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him up. I then punched twice and threw him on the couch, the place where this all began.
I took a step, then another and punched the now bloody teenager, knocking him over, so he was laying down on the couch.
Finally, the bitch spoke up. "Stop! You're going to kill him!" That sentence, as cliche and cheesy as it was, actually put some sense back into me. I picked her shirt up and threw it on her.
She ripped it off her face and I said "I guess it's not meant to be" and left.
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had this weird dream man.
And yanno how you like have a nightmare and it's so intense,
even your leg tries to wake you up.
Your leg's like,
Your leg kicks awake. And you wake up.
I- this was the dream right. I was being chase by a giant crab.
It's not funny. This huge like 50 foot crab.
He was chasing me down a beach and he was doing that
crab run where he was like... and snapping at me with his little snappers.
And he was all night long... he was trucking.
He was doing like 100 miles an hour.
You know like when you're bring chased by a killer or a beast?
In the dream they can run as fast as they want but you can't fucking-
you're like AH COME ON I CAN'T MOVE.
But the fucking crab is like eh... and his eyes were up here and there
was lighting shooting out of its eyes and he was wearing little loafers or
something. I dunno. Oh my leg just fucking went "GET UP!"
And I woke up for like a second and they I went right back into the fucking
dream. Which only happens witha nightmare.
You never like wake up like yanno it's like if you're having sex with
Cindy Crawford. Yyou know how you like wake up and you pretend
you're not awake? Yanno? Try to trick yourself.
Oh no! I'm not awake I'm in Cancun with Cindy. NOOO.
But I fell back into the into the dream and the crab was like waiting for me.
He was like UGH.... And i was like NOT AGAIN! All night long.
And then I woke up and I called my buddy Mike.
Yanoo I had to tell somebody like he picks up the phone...
I'm like "Dude I had the weirdest dream last night."
And he goes all concerned, "What was you dream?"
"I was being chased by a giant crab."
"What?! Dude What?!"
All the sudden he's like hold on and I hear like pages.
OK I go dude what are you doing? I have a dream book.
I'm looking up crabs to see what they represent in my dream book.
Right so all the sudden he goes like this,
"Dude, Crabs! Hold on Crabs. Uh crab...um uh it represents...
Dude you're gay! That's why you were running away cuz a crab
represents sexuality cuz it doesnt know which way you fucking-
and that's why you ran away. You were running away from your gayness!"
I said what about the lightning? Uh emphasizes the gay!
That's what it says if there's lighting around the crab you're super gay
that's what it says here. Super gay. He wasn't wearing loafers was he?
OH NO! Cuz that would mean you were mega ultron gay like a super